American Idol 2008 – The Top Seven

No one sang “Someday”. Poo.

First – hit the “CTRL” and the “N” buttons together. It will open a new window. Now click on this link in one of the windows. You can listen and read at the same time!

I know, I know. I have been ignoring AmId this year. I think it’s because it is, at heart, a competition that I like to discuss while watching, since most of the fun is verbally grading the contestants on their skills (or lack thereof). However, the Hubby has no interest in this year’s crop, so I am stuck furtively watching from the DVR, fast forwarding through the boring parts to just hear the singing.

All by myself, don’t wanna be, all by myself, anymooooooooooooooorrrrrrrreeeeee!!!

Just kidding. I can make it.

I’ll make it through the rain, I’ll keep myself protected…

OK, enough silliness – down to the top 7! This week was Mariah Carey week.

David Archuletta (Cutesuletta) – God, the girls scream for this kid! I guess it is because he is so non-threatening? Like a small stuffed animal whose daddy beats him. What? He sang “When You Believe”, from the Prince of Egypt soundtrack. He did it well, but am I the only one who notices his terribly loud and raspy breathing? Does he smoke a pack right before he walks onstage? I wish I could spell the sound of a raspy breath, ’cause I had plans to sprinkle it through this blurb, but all my breath words sound weird. Cheehh? Keehhh? Pheahh?

Carly Smithson sang “Without You”. She has a good voice, but it’s not good enough for this song. You need to have a huge range for this song, or else it doesn’t work. The song is awesome because of the incredibly low beginning (“when I was young…”) and the incredibly high second chorus (“can’t live!!!”). Ah, well. She did fine.

Syesha Mercado sang “Vanishing”. Now, I actually really like this Mariah song. It shows off the vocal prowess of the singer. Well… Syesha was flat (pitchy) in several places. She put way too many runs into a very short snippet of the song, and she couldn’t handle the runs themselves. It was kinda messy. She has a pretty voice, so I hope that the voting audience takes pity on her.

Brooke White sang “Hero”. She’s such a singer songwriter from the 70s that it hurts to see her surrounded by lights and technology. She should be at Woodstock, on a stool, with her beat up old guitar, singing about clouds and the evils of war and daisies and crap like that. I don’t think that she did justice to the song, but I can see how that is a personal opinion. That doesn’t make that opinion wrong, though.

Kristie Lee Cook sang “Forever”. Did you know Mariah Carey wrote this song? I didn’t. it sounds like it was written for a doo-wop group in the 50s. Anyway. Kristie Lee took the song, dipped it in egg, drenched it in flour, and country fried it. Gross. Why is she still here?

David “thank-you-for-getting-a-hair-cut” Cook sang “Always Be My Baby”. Well, he half sang, half screamed it. I can see how he “put his stamp” on it. Too bad his stamp consists of a bloody throat and screeching guitars. We don’t need a rocker American Idol, we have Chris Daughtery to fill that. We only need one. Bye-bye (bye).

Jason Castro “sang” “I Don’t Wanna Cry”. I understand that he is the cute one, that the girls swoon over him, with his hair and his thinness and his blue eyes and his tight pants and all, but come on. This kid cannot sing. He makes strange faces on high notes. He has disgusting hair. It’s gross! Stop voting for him. I don’t want him to have a career. He can happily go back to college and get high like he used to.

Mariah Carey was the coach this week. Does anyone else think that she is both simultaneously fat and thin? I see that she is thin, but she looks chubby, too. I don’t get it. It makes my head hurt. Go away, Mariah. PS – I love your new song “I’m That Chick”. Seriously. Do a dance album!

This Week’s Pretty Party:

It looks like she is standing in front of a wind machine set on high.

I wonder if the blood splattering out of his throat when he screams makes little noises on the microphone?

You just looked at his crotch. You did. You dirty thing, you.

PS – Looks like American FINALLY got it right and sent Kristie Lee “I-wanna-be-Carrie-Underwood” Cook home. Wahoo, America. High five.


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2 Responses to American Idol 2008 – The Top Seven

  1. landofslings says:

    I prefer to refer to the short one as David Archupacabra. He’s like a Mexican Wizard of Oz flying monkey, except without the flying skills. Or a Mexican leprechaun – like from the horror leprechaun films. regardless, his robot-like happiness at everything makes me think he’s a Mormon drone. He is from Utah, yes? And his Dad is steering his career? Very Mormon-ish – you can see it in his eyes – very happy but at the same time kinda dead inside. Sad. Ryan’s probably voting for him a million times a week because now that the Filipino dwarf is gone, Archupacabra is the only one left that’s shorter than Seacrest.

  2. lisa says:

    Yes – it is weird fat and thin all at the same time!

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