Once a year is just about right…
On Saturday the Hub decided that we needed a trip to Ikea, which just happened to coincide with Jess needing to go and get some things for her soon to be new-born, and Sabrina needing to look at some shelving that she is going to install in her home. So, after brief negotiations about when to leave and maybe I should pee first and are we stopping for coffee, off we went.
It surprised me that the leaves had changed already. It really is true what they say – as you get older time goes faster and faster. Soon, I will need adult diapers and full time at home care. As if I could afford that. I’ll be at the state run old folks home, crying softly about my lost youth. Wee! What? Oh yes. Leaves…
Have you ever been to an Ikea? It is roughly the size of New York City, and it is chock full of home furnishings and accoutrements. Oui Oui. Except, Ja Ja, ’cause this is Swedish, baby. First, you drive up to the building and it surprises you with it’s size. Ooo! Then, you drive beneath the building to park. Ah! Then, you walk a couple miles to get to the underground entrance. Phew! Then, through doors and on people movers and up stairs to get to the lobby, where you pee. Ahhh. And you must pee, as there will not be a bathroom available for several hours. Then, and only then, do you proceed upstairs.
Sheesh. It’s frickin huge.
At the top of the top stairs is the beginning of a labyrinth, all carefully mapped out to move you along with the hundreds of other shoppers who start this journey with you. Walking a prescribed route through the upstairs you encounter vignette after vignette of rooms, every item inside of which can be purchased. It reminds me of those little shoebox dioramas that we all had to do when we were kids. See?
I found several things that I loved:
I love these silver bowls. …And the fact that some gay put them against a white and black background, with a soupcon of color found in the little red vases.
This isn’t the prettiest chandelier, but I love what my camera did with the lightbulbs. Fancy.
If I had this nook at my house I would never leave it. I would sit and read and pretend to be in a giant house on the sea. I would wear all white and be even more dramatic than I am (too, too much). It would be AWESOME.
You want this headboard, too. Don’t deny it. You’d be lying.
So, at the end of the marathon upstairs runthrough you get to the Swedish cafeteria. And you will be hungry, as you’ve been shopping for 5 hours. Let me recommend the Swedish meatballs and lingonberry sauce. Mmm Mmm good.
This is a balanced meal, right? Potatoes = vegetables, Meatballs = protein, Garlic toast = carbs, tort = fats, and you can just see the lingonberry soda at the top. I totally burned this off while shopping. Shuddup.
After you rebuild your strength you go to the downstairs, equally as large as the upstairs. Of course. And here are all of the products that you saw upstairs and that you hopefully wrote down the numbers for. And now? Now is the gladiator portion of your day, as you careen from deal to deal, cutting off old ladies and receiving glares from angry Asians and French ladies who give you the stink eye. Or, you glare at ladies who cut you off repeatedly and ignore you. Even when they are in line beside you and you glare with all your gay fury. Stoopid cut-offy lady.
And suddenly, 7 hours later, you are at the checkout line. And I hope you mortgaged your home, because although everything is incredibly cheap, you just bought a full sized room rug, and 8 curtains, and several small lights, and a trash can, and a picture, and some shelving, and some more little lights, cause how could you not, so cheap!, and some kitchen implements, and drawer liners, and woops! 375 dollars.
The ride home is much, much quieter as the knowledge that you just spent all of your vacation money on home furnishings sinks in. And you start planning your next trip to the fabulous Scandinavian World of Ikea.