Our merry band of 7 started off by being “taught” how to “dance” by Miss Paula. Oh, Lordy. Oh, it was bad. And listen! They found that single that Pauls released last year and played it for 1 second. Sing along with me “All I wanna do is dance like there’s no tomorr…” And done. You know it was in her contract to play that at least once this season.
The dancing wasn’t good, y’all. The Goke looks like he is pushing maximum density, if’n you know what I mean. Boy filled out his jeans, and not in a nice way. Lil’s butt was throwing her balance off, too. And Adam was just trying to figure out why he hadn’t won, already. Surprisingly, Krissy danced well, for a cookie-cutter white bread yokel.
Results! We get the standing of Lil, the walking of Lil, and the booting of Lil all in about 15 seconds. Yikes. It was like Shecreast had sharpened the guillotine to a razor edge – Slice! Gone! She sang her song, and she did it better than the night before. But still not good enough to be in the top 7. Bye-eee!
Now, for the good stuff. Someone’s dementia riddled grandmother stumbled onstage and started gyrating like a arthritic cat. They should have better security on this show. Oh, wait. That’s some disco star? Freda Payne? Hmmm. I really wanted Jordin Sparks to saunter out and sing her version. Nope. Not tonight. Tonight belongs to those who smell of mothballs and loneliness. Freda “sang” one note, badly, while acting “sexy”. It was Horrible-Awesome. Awesible.
Next, Thelma Houston is shafted from her first few lines by Freda, then starts singing “Don’t Leave Me This Way”. She can still sing, thank God. I really hope that she is wearing some disco panties, ’cause the front of her dress was cut up to her coo-coo-cachu. Hello, front row! Here is my elderly lady part!
And lastly, KC (of “and the Sunshine Band” fame) sucked in his gut and talked his way through “Get Down Tonight”. At least he had the presence of mind to bring some pretty backup singers to carry the tune. He should have had the presence of mind to strap into a girdle. At the very least he could have gone up a size in his shirt. Oh, honey. We’ve all gained weight since the 70s! You don’t have to wear the same shirt!
More results. Kris is safe. Adam is safe and everyone in the theater screeches until blood flows. The Goke is safe (dur). Anoops, Allison and Matt are the bottom three. No surprises there.
Archie Cutesalot (David Archuletta) sings his new song, prolonging the torment for the bottom three. I really do like him, and he’s cute and all, but boy is he ever gonna have a hard time coming out when his father finally releases the chains a little. Also, he was still doing that raspy breathing thing, which sound like he is singing around a bad asthma attack. Eh.
Anoops is finally cut free, making the top 5 Matt, Allison, The Goke, Kris and mADAM. And that, coincidently enough, is the order that they will go home in.
And finally, for Lisa…