“AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!” – The Goke
So, apparently the apocalypse happened 30 seconds before air time on Tuesday night. From what I can gather, the stage manager lady was on the Ryan Shecrest “entrance-of-glory” stairs, and they started to retract into the wall while she was still on them. She fell quite a ways and cut herself badly. (Hope you feel better, lady. It takes a magician to make this show work. Seriously – you got mad skillz.) Then, one of the giant metal American Idol signs on one of the many American Idol pillars collapsed on itself, yet somehow kept turning, showering everyone with shards of glass. The audience was evacuated while everything was cleaned. The contestants couldn’t do a proper run through. Everyone was crying! What’s gonna happen if America doesn’t get their Idol fix? Looting, raping, the collapse of government…
And tonight is rock night. Yay?
Oh! And they used a time machine to find Slash and bring him from where he used to matter. Hi Slash! You know they make conditioner now, right? Hint hinty hint.
Adam sang “Whole Lotta Love”, by some rock band. Let’s face it, folks. I am not a connoisseur of rock. Soft rock? Yes. Hard Rock? No. Adam was fantastic, though. I mean, that was an arena pleasing performance. How is this guy not a superstar yet?
Allison sang “Cry Baby”, by Janice Joplin, I am guessing. She sounded just like Janice. Pauls said that if they ever make a Janice biopic, Allison should get the lead. Which she should. She looks like her and she sounds like her, and Allison obviously can act. Look how she pretends that Seacrest is relevant every single week.
Kris and The Goke sang a duet, “Renegade”. Eh. The harmonies were nice.
Kris sang “Come Together”, by the Beatles. The judges mocked him for his lack of hardness. You know, you would think that I would like him more, since the musical style of his eventual album will probably end up meshing with mine better than anyone else’s. You might think that. But he just looks so smug and insufferable and you know if he was your friend he would be the one who told your parents all the bad stuff that you did. Narc.
The Goke screamed his way through “Dream On” by Aerosmith. Yikes. That was terrible. Stick to Blues Traveler, Goke. I think you just screamed your lung onto the stage. Yup – there it is. Squishy.
Finally, Adam and Allison sang “Slow Love” by Foghat. I hated the song, but they really did well together. Kinda like a gay guy and his little sister, all palsin’ around. Aww.
Ok, results night. They have reassembled the stage, the glass has been cleared, and we are all waiting to see if Adam will get sent home. But first! Three performances. Wee.
First, the four sing “Schools Out (for Summer)” by Alice Cooper. Maybe they should not try to move around the stage and sing? It looks weird and awkward. Plus, you can tell that this is the thing they care about the least. And why would they? No judging, just bad karaoke.
Pauls then puts on a performance. Wow. You know, I don’t hate the song. Plus, we got to hear it EXACTLY as we will when it hits the radio. You know what I mean. For a 46 year old gal, she did quite well. Yes, it was a little pathetic and I’m-Ready-For-My-Close-Up-Mr.-Demille-ish, but she moved well. Enough with the vocoder already, though.
Gwen Stefani looks like she is coked out of her mind. What is she doing? Stand still, Gwen! More people are watching you now than ever before! You’re ruining it! And why are they singing a song from the 90s? Oh – they are going on tour without a new album. Good idea. Next time, more singing and less drug use.
Daughtry is there, and he sings with his band. Also called Daughtry. I never liked his singing much, but I can see that he is talented. Also? He seems like a likeable guy. Grounded. Bald. With a severe beard cut.
Kris is safe. SCREW! I am falling further and further into the back of my Idol pool. I totally pegged him to go home tonight, hoping that Allison’s vocals were good enough to sway the youngin’s to vote for her. I guess not.
Adam is safe! Excellent! Plus: Duh.
Please say Gokey please say Gokey please say Gokey …Allison! Aww. Bye Allison. Don’t worry. You are young and flexible and soon will be plunked into a horrible recording contract where they will mold you into another Kelly Clarkson. Hugs!
So, our top three are all boys. As it should be.