35 minutes of torture…
About 10 years ago I had a teeny tiny bump on my elbow that suddenly decided, with no consultation on my part, to grow into a lump the size of a golf ball. When I wore short sleeves people would stare. Seriously. They would say things like “Oh, Lord, what is that thing?!” and “Sweet Jebus, is that your twin?!” and “Gorsh, you are really handsome!” So, I had it taken out, and, after 2 months of tests, the Dr told me that it was “not quite benign”. But, since it was not near a bone or internal organ, he said that we would just keep an eye on it. Little did I know that it would migrate to my leg! Dun Dun Duuuunnnnn!!!
On Monday I had a lump about the size of a chicken egg removed from my right thigh. My personal care physician, he who I have known and trusted for nigh on 34 years, could not do said procedure. No. I had to go to a “specialist”. Specifically, a specialist who had all of the bedside manner of a goat. A hungry goat. A mad, hungry goat. Bleet!
My initial consultation went like this:
Me: See, I’ve got this lump, here…
Dr: Yes, that looks terrible. Let’s get that outta there. See you in two weeks!
2 weeks passed.
Monday arrived, I was nervous but in control. I went into the little appointment room and sat in my undies under a little square of paper that the nurse gave me. It was at once both humiliating and kinda exhibitionistic! The Dr came in and I told him that I was gonna use my ipod, if he didn’t mind. Nope – he couldn’t care less. They shaved my thigh and the nurse applied some topical numbing solution. Then, the doctor injected me twice with some deep tissue numbing stuff. Ten minutes passed…
Dr: Let me know if you feel anything.
Me: Ok. Hmm. …I do feel a little burning. …Oh.
OH LORD. WAIT. I CAN FEEL YOU CUTTING ME!
Dr: Ok, ok, calm down. Jeez.
Eventually it all numbed up, and all I could feel was a weird tugging at my leg. I was numb from crotch to knee. Wee! You know that feeling when you have a good piece of steak, and there is one bite left, but unfortunately there is a bit of gristle on the bite too, so you tug at that bite until the gristle separates from the yummy steak? Yeah – picture that with my leg and the egg. Just like that. Tug! Tug! Rip! Rip!
Suddenly, Dr Feelbad clapped his hands together and announced that he was done. He said that he didn’t like the color of the lump, so it was going off to pathology. Then, he washed his hands and started to leave.
Me: Um – what should I do?
Dr: Oh. Right. You’re all set. See you in two weeks.
Me: But, what should I do about the wound? Should I dress it? Should I wash it? Should I leave it alone?
Dr: Don’t get it wet for 24 hours. Here is ONE gauze square and the leftover tape from some other operation. See ya!
So, that’s that. I have a throbbing hole in my leg and a stupid Dr to see in 2 weeks. Luckily, Hub was there to take care of me.
And what did you do on Monday? I bet you didn’t have a big ol’ lump removed from you! I win!