How To Eat A Lobster

The Spider of the Sea!

As promised, here is how to peel and eat the wily sea spider, as shown to you by the lovely hands of Coreyander.


Hello. I am a Sea Spider. I like to wear sweat bands on my wrists when I work out to keep my claws dry. I can see you with my beady little demon eye.

Corey and the Spider

First Corey gleefully rips the claws off the spider. At this point you can hear the soft screams of the spider, but don’t worry. It will soon not have the strength to make any sound.

Corey and the Spider 2

Next Corey tears the thumbs off the claws. This is the same move that she uses when confronting unruly Republicans.

Corey and the Spider 2

Using a small pick, Corey deftly extracts the succulent thumb meat from the little part of the claw. The spider sits and waits patiently to be devoured.

Corey and the Spider 3

Corey shows the beautiful innards of the spider. The excess spider blood has spilled out of the body cavity, soaking the tray. Also – the color of the spider poop is green. Some people call this green goop tamale and eat it as a delicacy, to which I say: You are eating giant spider poop. Stop it you freaks.

Corey and the Spider 4

Here, Corey’s delicate hands remove the tail meat in one swift gesture. This takes practice to avoid the last thrashings of the spider’s death throes.

Corey and the Spider 5

Corey has submerged the meat into this thimble of butter. It may seem like a lot of work for such a small harvest, but half of the fun is in watching the spider be dismembered.

Stewart's Key Lime Soda

This was my drink. It tastes like Old Person. Not recommended.

And that’s that. Corey and I said a quick prayer over the corpse and hoped that his little red ghost wouldn’t haunt us until the end of days.

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10 Responses to How To Eat A Lobster

  1. Ellen says:

    Corey does have lovely hands and her rings are beautiful. Especially the oval ring.

  2. peg says:

    pancreas and liver….poop is in the tail..sheesh..where are you from? No really, where are you from?

  3. corey says:

    Chris- why even bother calling me “Coreyander”? Now that you’ve “outed” me and shown my pic!

    • chris2fer says:

      Well, Coreyander is admittedly a poor alias. I figured people already knew… How about, from now on, I call you Giant Red Spider Killer? GRSK for short.

  4. kathy says:

    This should be mandatory viewing for every tourist who is dumbfounded that lobster meat requires actual removal from the lobster. Maybe without the poop reference. Corey, you look awesome per usual and would make an excellent hand model.

  5. Lindsey says:

    OMG….that’s the funniest thing ever. I love it…..i wish i had been there to eat it too! that damn lobster never had a chance!

  6. Betsy says:

    A couple of things:

    1. Yummm…Maine lobster. I want one now.

    2. I don’t want to know how you know what “old person” takes like.

    3. Once a person told me they think lobsters look like giant cockroaches? That ruined it for me for a while.

    4. Love your blog!


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